Nothing seems to provoke anger in a parent faster than when their kid is straight-up lying. And kids will lie about the weirdest stuff. I once had a little kid try to convince me he had built a mansion for himself. What? Where did that come from? Also… can I get one? Who was your contractor?
I’ve had to do a lot of research on this topic because it stumped me, too. I didn’t want to embarrass the kid by calling him out — because there has to be a reason he feels the need to lie. But I also don’t want him thinking it’s okay to lie or damage trust in our relationship. So let me share what the experts say!
1. An adult’s reaction to the lie is critical.
In the book NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, they suggest not threatening kids about getting in trouble if they’re lying.
“It turns out that increasing the threat of punishment only turns kids into better and more frequent liars,” Bronson says.
So yelling, “You’re going to get a spanking if you’re lying!” doesn’t magically make kids want to tell the truth.
2. Never ask a child a question if you already know the answer.
If you saw your child hit their sibling and you ask,
“Did you just hit your sister?!” and they respond, “I didn’t!!”
—now the kid is in trouble for hitting and for lying, plus they got a ton of attention.
According to Dr. Gary Landreth, play-therapy guru, you’re setting your kid up for failure and escalating the situation because your anger is rising and your child is even more desperate to save himself.
3. An increase in lying is important to notice!
“Any sudden spate of lying, or dramatic increase in lying, is a sign that something has changed in that child’s life in a way that troubles him.”
Dr. Victoria Talwar explains:
“Lying is a symptom — often of a bigger problem behavior. It’s a strategy to keep themselves afloat.”
(NurtureShock, Bronson & Merryman)
4. Fall back on good ole President George Washington.
Researchers compared The Boy Who Cried Wolf vs. George Washington and the Cherry Tree.
Results?
- The Boy Who Cried Wolf increased lying (because it was punishment-based).
- George Washington and the Cherry Tree reduced lying by 75% in boys and 50% in girls.
Punishment = more lying.
Modeling honesty = less lying.
(NurtureShock, Bronson & Merryman)
5. Encourage truth-telling.
What really works is saying:
“I will not be upset if you lied. If you tell the truth, I will be really happy.”
This gives the child both immunity and a clear path back to safety.
Talwar explains:
“Young kids are lying to make you happy — they’re trying to please you. So telling kids that the truth will make a parent happy challenges their belief that ‘good news,’ not honesty, is what parents want.”
(NurtureShock, Bronson & Merryman)
The goal isn’t catching the lie — it’s teaching the skill of telling the truth.
6. It’s really important that adults aren’t lying.
Kids learn from everything they see and hear.
If there’s one thing I know FOR SURE as a child counselor, it’s that parents wildly underestimate:
- How much their kids know
- How much their kids hear
They know when you’re lying. There’s no hiding.
They are always watching… always listening…
7. Spend some one-on-one time with your kid.
Listen to what’s going on in their life and focus on strengthening the relationship.
It’s easier to tell the truth to someone you feel close to and who you believe will listen.
Good luck out there, and give it some time! Kids respond so much better when they don’t feel cornered.
I’m not lying! …sorry, I had to. 🙂
Until next time,
xoxo Kristen
References:
These are where I got a lot of the info, along with consulting other counselors:
- Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship by Gary Landreth
- NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
- NPR article: (NPR link provided in original text)