Cutting and self-harm have been showing up more and more in my practice lately. These behaviors can be incredibly confusing and scary for parents. Many wonder, “Why would you hurt yourself to feel better?” or “What does this mean for your future?”
What I see most often is that parents feel completely blindsided when they discover their child has been cutting. They frequently feel like they’ve failed because they “missed the signs.” It’s heartbreaking—sadness and shame fill the room. Interestingly, when I meet with parents individually, they’re usually devastated and scared. But when they’re sitting with their child, those emotions often turn into anger and frustration: “Why won’t you stop?” “Why won’t you talk to me?”
If I could hit pause for parents in that moment, I would. Their reactions are always rooted in fear, but their child doesn’t experience it that way. Kids usually hear anger as disappointment—they feel like they’ve failed yet again.
Parents: it is okay to be vulnerable with your kids. In fact, it teaches them that vulnerability is safe.
Here are some tips for responding if you discover your child has been cutting or self-harming:
1. React with love, not fear.
It’s terrifying to see that your child has hurt themselves. But yelling, lecturing, or demanding answers will shut the conversation down. Take a breath. Gently acknowledge that you’ve noticed the cuts and that you’re worried. Your child might feel embarrassed or defensive—that’s okay. Let them know you aren’t angry; you’re concerned.
2. Don’t spiral into self-blame in front of them.
Thoughts like “Where did I go wrong?” or “Why didn’t you talk to me?” are completely normal—but this moment isn’t about your feelings. It’s about what your child is going through. Save those questions for a private space or for your own support system.
3. If you believe your child is suicidal, take them to the ER.
Trust your gut. If you suspect their safety is at risk, seek immediate help.
4. Find a counselor.
Self-harm doesn’t disappear on its own. Kids need new coping skills, support, and time. When they stop cutting, the underlying pain doesn’t magically resolve—they need help navigating it.
5. Removing tools won’t solve the root issue.
Locking up razors or sharp objects is understandable, but determined kids will find alternatives. Real change comes from addressing why they started cutting in the first place.
6. Don’t guilt or shame them.
After cutting, kids are already dealing with massive waves of shame, fear, regret, and self-loathing. They don’t need a lecture about the future—they need compassion, steady support, and a safe place to talk.
7. Don’t pressure them to “fix” or hide their scars.
This reaction often comes from fear—fear of bullying, judgment, or long-term impact. But for many kids, scars hold emotional meaning. They’ll let go of them when they’re ready. Respect the pace.
8. Be patient.
Cutting releases endorphins, which means—for a moment—it genuinely makes them feel better. That’s part of what makes it hard to stop. Patience and consistency are key.
Most of all: spend time with your child. The small, everyday moments matter more than you think. When kids feel safe and supported, healing can happen.
Until next time!
Xoxo – Kristen