I hear this a lot when I first meet with parents, and it makes my heart sink every time. As a parent, I’m sure you’ve heard some bizarre things come out of your kid’s mouth in the middle of a meltdown. And let’s face it—when your kid reaches that level of meltdown, you’re probably not functioning at your best either. Those pesky mirror neurons make you escalate, and your blood pressure rises!
However, any comment about suicide is serious, and it’s important not to ignore something like this.
EVEN IF you don’t think your child would ever attempt suicide (maybe they don’t even know what suicide is!), the fact that they said they want to kill themselves is a big signal that something is not right.
It’s always important to take any statement about suicide seriously. Typically, what I see in counseling is that kids need something that will grab someone’s attention. It’s like they’re waving their arms in the air saying, “Someone pay attention! I need help!”
That’s okay. In counseling, we can work on ways to tell people they’re hurting without making a suicidal outcry.
So, here’s the plan:
1. Take it seriously.
It NEVER hurts to follow up on this. It’s not worth the possibility of never seeing your child again. I know this for a fact: When there’s a will, there’s a way.
2. Go to a nearby emergency room.
A hospital can evaluate your child to see if they are able to keep themselves safe. Sometimes, a hospital is the best place for your child. The staff are trained to assess if your child is a danger to themselves or others.
If they think your child needs to be admitted, GREAT! You’re in the right place. People can help, and your child can find some relief from the pain.
If the hospital says they’re safe to come home, GREAT! You can rest easy knowing you did what you needed to do and can focus on next steps.
3. Find a counselor.
The hospital may be able to refer someone to you. It’s absolutely critical that you get your child into counseling after they make a suicidal outcry. Even if they were just having a tantrum, they still need counseling. Normal tantrums do not involve suicidal statements.
4. Talk to people at school.
Teachers, school counselors, principals. Was there bullying going on that you didn’t know about? Maybe grades have been slowly dropping or there’s too much pressure in a certain subject. Maybe your child’s best friend suddenly stopped being their friend. Gather information.
5. Check their social media.
Cyberbullying is REALLY scary now. Check to see if anything stands out. Snapchat might seem harmless with its cute puppy filters, but it’s actually one of the places where I see the worst bullying because content disappears immediately.
6. Check in with your relationship with your child.
Have you been able to spend time with them lately? When was the last time you had an actual conversation with them—outside of schedules, chores, or grades? Relationships can always be improved. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, the smallest moments of attention matter. Try going for a walk together or taking them on a quick grocery store run. One-on-one time is invaluable.
7. Find support for yourself.
It’s normal to feel hurt, guilty, or lost when your child makes a suicidal outcry. You need to talk about it with friends, family, or your own counselor—not with your child.
You want your kids to tell you when they’re feeling so sad they want to hurt themselves. But some kids feel pressure to hide their feelings because they worry about hurting their parents. That is not their responsibility, so don’t put that on them.
8. Promote communication in your home.
Talk with your child. Know what’s going on in their life. Let them know they can trust you and that you can help.
Even if you feel they’re just saying it for “attention,” it’s important to take it seriously. Something is going on with your child. Things are so bad that they feel they have to say something extreme to be heard. So let them be heard, and find the right support.
Until next time!
xoxo, Kristen