Now that your child can behave because he’s a perfect angel at school, you know it’s in there somewhere… that sweet, well-behaved kid who follows rules without attitude and does his chores without being asked. The one who does all his homework because he enjoys it and brings you breakfast in bed every morning… okay, okay.
“So where is this angel the teachers keep telling me about?”
Let me get really “counselor-y” on you: It’s actually a good sign that your kid acts like this at home. It means he feels comfortable with you.
Hear me out—has something ever gone terribly wrong at work, but you grit your teeth and smile through the frustration? Then you get home and snap at your partner over something not remotely important? Yeah… we all have.
You can’t go off on your boss and expect to keep your job. But you can take it out on someone safe who you know won’t leave.
The same applies to kids.
I’m not saying it’s not frustrating—it’s awful! However, if your kid were terrified of you, they probably wouldn’t be doing this.
We do NOT want kids to be afraid of their parents… before someone gets any ideas.
Now, what do you do about it?
1. Keep yourself calm.
Nothing productive happens if you start yelling or crying out of frustration along with your kid.
2. Find some empathy.
Search… dig deep… find some tiny scrap of love and understanding… there it is! Phew.
I know it’s hard. Sometimes it feels impossible to feel empathy when World War III breaks out in your living room because you wouldn’t let them play on the tablet for ten hours straight.
Remember, your child has a life beyond what you see. He experiences the world differently—not just because he’s a kid, but because he’s a different person. Maybe something small happened at school that hurt his feelings. Maybe he feels like he has no control in his life and he’s had enough.
Kids don’t have the vocabulary or emotional intelligence to explain what’s going on inside.
3. Set firm boundaries.
Since we’ve established that you do still love your child, it’s still not okay for them to treat you poorly. Whatever rule or limit you’ve set, stick with it.
NO bargaining.
NO letting it slide.
You can be firm and loving at the same time.
4. Revisit the issue when everyone is calm.
It’s tempting to just move on, but it’s crucial to talk about what happened. Discuss healthy ways to express emotions—but most importantly, listen to your child.
They probably won’t have a beautiful, insightful explanation for their behavior. But when you open that door for communication, they learn:
- It’s safe to come to you, even when they mess up.
- We don’t ignore issues in this family.
- When I’m treated with respect, I can treat others with respect.
5. Talk to a counselor.
If this is happening regularly and you’re starting to feel hopeless, you don’t have to stay in that place. Counseling can help kids with emotional regulation, healthy expression, and repairing family connections.
Finally, give yourself—and your child—some grace.
No one is the perfect parent, and not everything that comes out of your mouth is going to be the picture of calmness and wisdom. The good news is that you can always repair, work on, and improve your relationship with your kid.
Until next time—
xoxo, Kristen