In Domestic Violence (DV), there are four main types of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and financial. We can break each of these down another time—because they are important—but today I want to focus on how DV impacts kids.
If there is one thing I know FOR SURE, it’s that children hear everything. I cannot stress this enough. Almost every family I’ve worked with has said some version of:
“Oh, but they were asleep when it happened.”
“Thankfully they’re too young to understand.”
NOPE. Every time I meet with the child later, they know exactly what happened—and often more than the adults realize. It’s heartbreaking, because while everyone assumes they’re unaware, these kids are left trying to make sense of incredibly scary situations all on their own.
Here are some basic facts about how DV impacts children:
1. Their brains function differently.
Kids exposed to yelling, screaming, hitting, and chaos operate from fight, flight, or freeze. They’re constantly scanning their environment for safety. This makes everyday tasks harder. Concentrating at school becomes almost impossible. Imagine listening to your caregivers fight all night, terrified someone might get hurt, and then trying to take a test first thing in the morning. Their brain isn’t calm—it’s on high alert.
2. They have intense meltdowns.
When a child’s brain is in survival mode, the part responsible for emotional regulation is not operating the way it should. That’s why a simple request—“Put on your shoes,” “Grab your backpack”—can lead to a full meltdown: crying, screaming, kicking. Their responses seem “big,” but their system is overwhelmed.
3. They may completely shut down.
Kids exposed to DV often become experts at stonewalling. They shut down, refuse to talk, and seem unreachable. This is a protective, learned survival skill. In the past, speaking up may have felt unsafe. Even though it’s frustrating for parents, it’s important to remember that this response once kept them safe.
4. They need extra love, support, and space to talk.
These kids need opportunities to talk about the domestic violence they’ve witnessed. They need help processing their feelings and reassurance that it’s safe to open up.
Don’t let them sit alone with traumatic experiences. Secret-keeping is one of the things that keeps the cycle of violence alive. You can interrupt that cycle by modeling safety, honesty, and open communication.
If you’re noticing any of these behaviors in your child, it’s important to get support from a counselor who specializes in domestic violence. DV is deeply misunderstood, and working with someone trained in trauma makes a tremendous difference.
If you are currently in a domestic violence relationship, here is the contact information for the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text “START” to 88788
Chat at thehotline.org